‘Walls of the Mind’ is a poem about anxiety, childhood trauma, and a narcissistic parent.
Growing up as a child was rough. I had one parent who, when no one was around, would berate me. The other parent tried to instill confidence in me and encourage me. Needless to say, a wrong mindset was instilled that caused me to suffer from anxiety from grade school onward until I moved away.
Later in life I moved back to take care of the one parent I had left. Thankfully mom had mellowed out a lot with age. I even heard the words, “I’m glad I had you two kids after all.” There were five of us kids total but she was talking about the last two of us as we were born during her menopausal years of life. In fact, I was quite the surprise as she thought that she could no longer have children.
I learned how , and with God’s help, was able to forgive her for everything. I made that choice and it set me free. Realizing how the brain learns and sets feedback loops like a computer has again, with God’s help, enabled me to change that bad programming.
I actually wrote this for a friend who was suffering from great anxiety. I never realized at that time how encaged I was in my own mind. It’s nice to be free.
Everyone has a favorite photo, coffee, pizza…you name it and there is a favorite that goes with it. “That’s the one,” is what Troy said a couple of years ago when it came to picking out his favorite photo that I took of Ladders Coffee Bar.
My favorite was the coffee lol. I love caramel and I love hazelnut. They have sooo many different flavors to choose from. I often stop by there for coffee when I’m in Cambridge. You should try them out. They have done an awesome remodel of the place and sell a special blend called Ghost Roast now. Yum!
I enjoy all kinds of photography. I love being challenged and finding creative ways to accomplish what’s needed. No flash used in the above picture.
Matt of Wally’s Pizza loved the photos of the dough he made fresh that morning.
Again, no flash used. Just simply used the light that was already available. I remember we planned it for a time that wouldn’t be busy but you know what happens when you make plans lol. Of course they got busy. They are a popular pizza place in Cambridge with great tasting pizza. No worries tho, I captured what he wanted.
I must say, I have been sick with a terrible cold since last week and have been on antibiotics. I haven’t been up to writing, posting, or even eating much. Right now tho, coffee and pizza both sound yummy. I do believe I am now on the mend. 🙂
If you have or know of anyone who needs product photography done have them call Tonya 740-630-7280.
Thanks so much!
Love and life,
PS… I have been working on some art too… but that’s for another post. 😉
Heading downstairs Jim stopped me and asked me, “Where are you going?”
“I’m going to see Porky,” I replied. I loved spending time with our old Collie. His white and reddish brown and golden hair was so soft. I often would go curl up next to him in the laundry room of the house on 10th Street. He was my protector and defender from those little, mean dogs that the neighbor there used to let out to attack me every time I went to play on the swing set. As a grown up, I now realize those little dogs were just excited because I was outside in the yard. From a child’s point of view, however, they were a pack of little, vicious monsters trying to eat me as they clawed at me and nipped at me. They didn’t do that when Porky was outside. No, they wouldn’t come near me then. He would growl and bark and chase them off! Although, he couldn’t chase very far being tied to my swing set. That dog was my hero.
We had just moved to the new place. It was a big fancy house with no yard for a swing set. I have no memory of the laundry room in that house. I don’t have any memories of where I slept there at all. It was the big house on the corner of 7th Street and Beatty Ave. As I recall, Mom said it was haunted and I remember we moved because my little sister couldn’t sleep. I remember Mom going to the hospital to have her. I remember Mom trying to calm her down and rock her all the time. Poor kid never got any sleep until we moved from there.
Anyway, I digress, why should us moving into the new place stop me from being able to spend time with our beloved family pet? So I told Jim, “I’m going to see Porky.” I started to open the basement door.
“You can’t do that. He’s not there,” Jim replied.
“What? Where is he?” I was so serious when I asked that question. I was about 4 years old and had no memory of taking Porky to the vet to put him down. I remember the station wagon ride. Dad was driving. I remember Jim holding Porky because Porky was getting old and had a hard time moving without being in pain. Porky was originally Jim’s dog from childhood. Porky was probably around 17 years old. His original name was Sport. Jim was too little to be able to say Sport…it came out Porky and so Porky it was from that day forward.
“He’s in Heaven now,” Jim replied.
“In Heaven?”, I asked all wide eyed.
“Yes, Jesus came down and took Porky to Heaven to be with Him. He’s not in any pain anymore,” said Jim. Well that settled it for me. If Jesus came down to take Porky to Heaven to be with Him then he certainly wasn’t in the basement anymore and I didn’t have to worry about poor Porky anymore as Jesus was taking care of Him. Whew! What a relief for my childlike mind and heart back then. I have certainly missed Porky over the years but Jesus had Porky with Him and I was alright with that. That is how my brother, Jim, introduced me to death. It was a positive because it involved Jesus and Jesus loves kids. That’s how I understood that.
Grieving the death of my brother and both parents however is another story. It is very difficult to realize that my two sisters and I are the old generation now in our family. I don’t feel old and I don’t think I look old but truth be told I have already outlived Jim by several years now. He was 13 years my senior. He too was my hero just like his dog. If I became inconsolable in my younger days, Jim knew exactly what to do or say and life would turn right side up again.
As an adult, I miss when we stayed up all night playing Rummy 2000 while drinking pot after pot of coffee and the times he would call me late at night while he was trying to stay awake to keep the wood burner stoked so his kids wouldn’t be cold getting dressed for school in the morning. We talked for hours about cooking, woodworking, gardening, and sometimes he simply read me the JC Whitney Catalog from cover to cover explaining what each car part did in relation to the others and how much they cost. Yeah, I miss all that. No one can take Jim’s place.
Semper Fi, Jim. My love for you knows no bounds.
I am very pleased to offer Bereavement Photos created from your favorite photo or image of your loved one. Over the years I have had requests for this but I did not have the skill set at that time in order to make it happen. Very pleased am I to be able to now say yes to your requests. Call 740-630-7280
Restoring our family’s photos after Mom’s death has caused me to realize just how much those photos mean to our family. It’s our family history. As my younger sister and I sorted through box after box of photos our memories came back to life about a lot of the times we had. Thank God, Mom liked to photograph every birthday, holiday, and especially Christmas. Then there were photos of our now deceased brother and grandmothers. There was even a school picture of my Mom when she was little. Priceless!!! Oh, dear God, it was so torn, cracked, and worn. I promised my sister I would do my best to restore it. Below is the image. I think you will agree it is a restoration success. Contact me if you would like the same care given in restoring your family’s photos of your loved ones. 740-630-7280
I am not the most confident person in the world when it comes to building a business. It has been rolling right along albeit slowly. It hasn’t been steady enough yet for me to leave my other 9-10 hour a day job behind. I am now in a position that I can work less hours and God willing spend more time doing what my heart desires. I had almost given up hope. I thank those of you who have kept encouraging me. Y’all are a God send.
After making some changes and gaining more ground, tripping over my own two feet, and falling into the camera (thank God the tripod held!) I finally got the shot I wanted just as the batteries died. I was doing a project just for me to express myself. I love to create art. I love Brooke Shaden’s art! After taking several of her courses I decided to try my hand at making art again…only a little differently this time.
See, I have been dealing with a lot of things that keep popping up like weeds in my mind since mom died. Grief…it ain’t easy. I have done a lot of crying and in general dealing with a lot of anger. Anger is one of the 5 steps of the grieving process. I was angry at mom for dying, for childhood (it wasn’t a good one), and I was also very angry with that last ex-husband, who by the way, was a version of my mom at her worst.
Having taken the time to process my emotions and thoughts through the grieving process, I have come to some conclusions. We can all be nasty little turds when we want to be. If you deal with enough nasty little turds long enough you wind up with a bucket full of fertilizer. Fertilizer is needed to prepare the soil to grow plants. Its up to us to decide what plants we want to grow in our garden called life. Its not up to the fertilizer to decide it. Its up to us, each one of us. We can choose peace, joy, love, and forgiveness to plant in our garden or we can choose strife, discord, hatred, and bitterness. The outcome of my processing my emotions and memories is my choice. My choice is planting an abundance of forgiveness with love so I can have both joy and peace. My garden is complete. How is your garden doing?
Stay tuned for more updates to come. I am working on many projects that I think you will agree can bring a benefit to your life and help you keep some of your cherished memories alive.
Construction of the website is almost complete. We are finally back online lol. There were a lot of hiccups along the way when we had to switch from one webhost to another. The former host decided to undergo changes and that made editing the website and checking our emails unavailable to us most of the time. Now we are able to keep you updated with the exciting changes to our new studio.
Life certainly has had its changes for me personally as I underwent a divorce when I discovered the man I had married was not who he portrayed himself to be. I also lost several family members including my mother. Losing mom was very difficult for me. Grieving is hard. It hurts. Deeply. However, there is good news as I decided I needed to look at my life and its happenings through a new perspective.
I discovered that I have developed a short tolerance for emotional vampires as there is too much good in life to miss by allowing others to rob me of my time, energy, and focus just to listen to more “oh woe is me” drama from those who could do more and be more if only they applied themselves. Developing that short tolerance has been a long time coming. It now allows me to focus on what I love to do.
I have discovered that I have no more anchors. All that has kept me tied down…my word given and promises made…has either been fulfilled or been made null and void due to circumstances beyond my control. I now have freedom. The world is my oyster as someone once said. So more freedom and less worries equals a more structured business, better work ethic, and a happier, healthier Tonya.
So what does that mean for you?
It means that Photos By Tonya Time Made Beautiful now more than ever has not just the idea of but the capability to set goals for better service and customer care. We have the ability and drive to exceed our goals set for us to exceed customer satisfaction and obtain customer exhilaration.
As I now have the freedom to finally be me, so my business now has the freedom to become all that it can be.
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